James by: Thao Nguyen, Graphite on Toned Paper, 2018
John – My Friend
He stares at me,
the question in his grey eyes;
“Why don’t you do anything?”
I don’t have an answer.
He’s been through everything with me,
probably the only one.
definitely the only one.
A shadow, my shadow. He likes to be called John.
Don’t ask why.
I don’t know.
He sometimes goes away, leaves
me feeling like Peter Pan.
His life is far more exciting than mine.
I want to ask where he goes off
to.
I don’t.
He’s afraid of the night,
knows he’ll disappear, blend into the darkness.
Surely, he knows he’ll remain if only I flick on the light…
but I don’t.
When the darkness in my mind oversteps him,
he reaches out.
Panic attacks that inevitably occur,
every.
single.
day.
I’m a mess, crying on the floor.
Can’t breathe.
Won’t breathe.
Help me, I scream.
John wraps his arms around me,
he knows. Hears me.
He’s seen the darkness in me, felt the pain.
He holds me, the only one who can.
I calm down, he slips back into the
ground. Back into his life,
the one I can’t be a part of.
His eyes, empty, they continue watching.
observing.
curious.
I think he wants to walk beside me,
not below me.
I wish he could.
He’s my only friend.