Me, Myself, and I
There are moments in which I am thrown back into my twelve-year-old mindset. It’s frustrating, but it happens, and there is no reason for me to lie about it. My last few years in Georgia were perhaps some of the most miserable times in my life to date. Never have I ever felt more alone, more miserable, frustrated, or stupid than when I was a fifth-grade student at Timber Ridge Elementary School.
Looking back on it now, I can say I never truly had a great time there, not like I perceived my brother to have. Many of my memories back then are tinged with a grey blanket of discontentment and melancholy. Now, of course, nothing terrible happened there. Nobody hit me or hurt me physically. It was the emotional distance my peers had from me, the way I knew they didn’t like me and would talk behind my back.
Because rarely has anyone ever said insults to my face, save for a few times that I don’t think I’ll ever quite forget.
I thought I would.
I didn’t.
When COVID shut down the world, I was at home and spent the majority of my time on the Discord talking to people all across the continent. I made a lot of acquaintances and friends through different servers. Some were more pleasant to be around than others, but they helped pass the time.
On one of these servers, I got rather close to a group of people who shared my interest in My Hero Academia, a popular anime. We shared original characters and stories. We spent far more time than we should on VC while waiting for the lockdown to ease up. For a period with a lack of human contact, I always had someone to talk to.
Then I started working again, and I was still talking to these people every day or so, in between taking classes. On my way home from work one time, I came to a startling realization and not the pleasant kind. It was sort of like a chill that ran through my body; my heart seized as the thought ran through my head.
You gave these people the opportunity to hurt you and leave, just like everyone else.
Honestly, a rather immature thought now that I think about it. A self-fulfilling prophecy I wrote myself into. It’s so strange to see relationships fall apart, to realize that this is the end. This is where your paths diverge…and you’re alone again.
Again.
And again.
And again.
But what is life without a visible ending? As they say, get busy living or get busy dying, even if you lose a friend along the way. Right now, I may not have a lot, but I have enough, and that is something I can at the very least be thankful for.