I am Who I am by: Nancy Hines, Oil on Canvas – 2017

“Why don’t you smile in any pictures?” Jamie pulled a strip of plastic from her pocket and looked helplessly at each image. She tried to inch toward me, but her movements caused the cart to sway more. My grip on the rail tightened more than it already was, driven by fear.

The wait for the Ferris Wheel wasn’t long, but the wait to reach the top was incredibly tedious. Jamie practically begged me to get on before the sun started to set. She wanted to have a romantic night and try to be close to me, but I warned her that I draw a line when it comes to romance.

Personally, I don’t mind the small things that happen in a relationship. Holding hands in public or a quick peck on the cheek are things I can handle. Pure acts of love are simply embarrassing. Cliched moments are useless to display someone’s love, but with Jamie it’s different. Sure, the moment you’re alone with your date and gaze toward the setting sun is possibly the most irritating, original romantic gesture. It’s overwhelming from my point of view, but that pitiful opinion can be dropped for Jamie’s sake.
Jamie managed to move on my side of the cart and shove the strip into my face. Three images showed us making ridiculous faces, while one had us pulled into an embrace and smiling at the camera. “I do smile.”
She noticed my lie instantly and folded the strip back into her pocket. “No, that was a smirk. I want to see you smile. With teeth.”
“That’s not gonna happen.” There was no absolute point in saying that. Whenever Jamie wants me to do something, I can’t resist that pleading face. Call me weak. She has an effect to cringe my heart most of the time.
One please was all it took for me to look her way and give a smile. The feeling of
stretching my lips to my cheekbones was unbearable. Jamie placed her hand over her mouth and started snickering. “There’s the face.”
Quickly regretting that action, my smile faded. “Stop, that’s embarrassing enough.”
Jamie moved to where our shoulders touched. “It’s embarrassing to be happy around your Girlfriend?”
I didn’t stutter my answer, “Yes.”
The punch was unnoticed and it felt like a bee sting. “Don’t jump to that conclusion, Jerk!”
She pushed the snide comment away for now and looked out the cart. The reflections of the sun started to dim over the ocean’s surface. Judging from Jamie’s attention, she felt more relaxed to witness the bright star kiss the horizon. Shortly after the sun hid and the splay of dusk took over the sky, Jamie leaned on my side and rested her head in my neck. Strands of her hair grazed my chest and cheek, that alone sent a shiver through my spine. It was also a bit reassuring to notice how calm she felt.
Jamie spreads her fingers over mine. “I love this view.”
The knot in my gut grew tighter.
I never took Jamie to be so upfront with her display of emotions. Around the time we first met, her expressions were minimal and her social standings were no better than my own.

Before we started anything, I worked at my restaurant’s bar, PairODice. At the age of twenty, working as a bartender isn’t as gruesome as I thought it would be. The customers are easy to handle when they’re not fully drunk, and the tips they leave behind are extremely generous. Most of the customers who leave the bigger tips say that I have the kind of attitude and appearance they respect.
One night when I started to close everything up, a young woman came in and walked toward the jukebox. She picked a song that started off slow but grew more harmonized in seconds. The woman was beautiful, with long chocolate hair tied in a braid and rich olive skin. She ordered a Lemon Drop Martini and asked if we could have a small conversation. I don’t get attached to customers on a personal level, mostly because it’s against Work policy. Although, this woman caught my attention, the reverse effect that I have on the other customers. After she paid for the drink, she left her name and number on the back of the receipt. The song on the jukebox ended and I cursed myself for forgetting what song had just played.

Once the ride ended, we walked up and down the pier for a few minutes. Jamie leaned over the railing and took joy in feeling the breeze. I had to give her props for ‘researching’ today’s conditions. The weather called for ten percentrain, the wind pushed northeast at twelve mph and the nearest restaurants had a four-star rating. “Do you want to eat at that new seafood place down the beach?”
“Sure. I won’t eat much, but we can…’
“Michael!” A man shouted in our direction and looked right at Jamie. “Michael”
Jamie’s demeanor turned into shock and she turned away from the man looking straight at her. I placed my arm around her and walked toward the entrance. “Come on. Let’s just go.”
The man caught up to us. “I knew it was you.” He had a slight smile across his face, but his movements appeared almost hostile. “You’re still playing dress up? I could’ve sworn you would grow out of it.”
Jamie avoided making eye contact. “Leave us alone, Alan.”
Alan, that name hit me right in the head. Jamie told me her history with Alan and it wasn’t the greatest friendship. Seeing this man for the first time started to pent up my anger, but the next thing he said hit the boiling point.
Alan moved closer to Jamie, “Ditch the dress and I might leave.”
I planned to step up to Alan, but Jamie was the one to move toward him. “No.”
Alan didn’t show any hesitation. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of anything, not even around your boyfriend.” Alan moved close to Jamie and placed his hand on her head. In a split second, he slammed his palm into the side of her head. “Lose the dress!”
It didn’t matter who was looking now, I stepped in between them and forced my elbow into Alan’s chest. The impact didn’t make him fall, but he staggered for balance. Alan looks at me with retaliation, but noticed a security guard walking near them. Before he turned away, Alan turned his attention to Jamie. “See you around, tranny.”
I walked with Jamie along the beach, leaving the pier and Alan as quick as we could. I hoped that dinner would take her mind off what happened, but the very thought of him hitting her tainted my memory. Jamie’s steps slowly faded and I saw her lean against the seawall. She tried to hide her face, but it pained me to see tears rolling down her cheek. I pulled her into my arms and she wrapped her arms around my torso. The Jamie who always had a smile wasn’t here now.

Before Jamie, Michael had her life.
While everyone waited for the graduation ceremony to begin, saying their goodbyes and straightened their caps and gowns, Michael was in the boys restroom. He stared at his own reflection for over fifteen minutes.
Michael removed his cap that hid his brown hair tied up and lets it fall to his shoulders. He spent the entire school year letting it grow out, which wasn’t easy trying to avoid the barber and his parents. It was placed on top of the sink next to his duffel bag, filled with everything he was hoping to use to walk across the stage. Having the thought of bringing that bag urged him to miss his graduation.
Michael shifted his sight from the bag back to the mirror and noticed tears streaming down his face. He knew this would be a heavy burden on everyone, friends and family, but this is what he needed to do. He kept reminding himself he will be strong about this decision.
He reached out to open his bag, but pulled his hand back after hearing a knock on the door. “Michael?’ He didn’t say anything, afraid it was one of his friends. Michael reached for his hair band and stuffed his hair back into his cap. “Jamie?”
Michael stood in relief and paced himself to unlock the door. The school counselor, Amber Wright, walked in and locked the door behind her. She was the only one who truly knows what Michael has gone through and wants to help him through graduation. “Do you have everything you need?’
He nodded and proceeded to unzip his bag. Inside is a black floral pattern dress that reached past his knees, a pair of black skinny jeans, a small make-up kit, a bottle of red nail polish, a curling iron, a strip of cloth, a separate case with two breast implants, and an adjustable sized bra.
Michael picked a stall and stripped himself, feeling awkward having someone else in the same room as him. He practiced changing a dozen times and gained a small amount of confidence each time. After adjusting himself with the implants and the bra, he put the dress on and examined his own body. His body was still slender as it was from the first year of high school.
Opening the stall door, Amber looked at him head to toe. “No high heels this time?”
“No. If I’m walking across that stage, I don’t want to trip and look foolish. I’ll stick with my sneakers for now.” Michael put his clothes back into the bag and pulled everything else out for Amber to do. She started with the iron and curled the bottom portion of his hair.
“You’re shaking. Are you nervous?” Amber noticed his habit to his hands twitching out of fear.
“A little.’
She finished his hair and moved on to the make-up. “Just remember to find me right after the ceremony ends.”
Michael looked down to his finger nails which were the color of roses. “I can imagine what my parents will say. And Alan.”
Amber pulled away for a minute. “Alan shouldn’t even be graduating after what he did to you. Hell, that piece of shit needed to be expelled!”
The memory was too vivid for Michael now. Alan was his best friend, someone he put his entire trust into; but after telling him the truth, he refused to listen. Days later, Michael faced insults and taunts from his closest friends, and Alan became more hostile towards him. It only grew worse when Alan asked his friend to hold him down in a chair. Alan took a pair of scissors from the teacher’s desk and cut locks of Michael’s hair. He kept that memory as a warning to keep his hair short, with Alan telling him he looks more like a guy now.
Amber changed the topic. “I have a graduation gift for you. You can look over it for the summer if you want.” She dug into her purse and pulled out two therapy pamphlets. One was a brochure over Hormone Replacement and the other was for Sex Reassignment.
Michael felt a tinge of excitement and relief to know there’s someone here to help him through this. Amber pulled him towards the mirror and gave him a wide smile. He practiced changing his appearance for weeks, but this time was different. He would walk out of the restroom as a male-to-female transgender.
Amber wrapped her arms around Michael. “I am so proud of you for doing this. You look beautiful.’
Michael grabbed his cap and gown and left the bathroom with Amber beside him
carrying his bag. He thought to himself as they walked toward the auditorium; he has enough pride to own a radiating smile and leave his graduation, as Jamie.

Jamie calmed down shortly afterwards and grazed her fingers over her threaded cross necklace. Seeing the cross is also a reminder that Jamie and I have a major difference. She put her faith in God, but I didn’t see any point in it. Most people would say I’m an atheist, but I never put my faith for someone who didn’t feel like they were by my side. However, I wouldn’t stop Jamie from reaching out for faith because she needs it the most.
I didn’t see her smile come back and I might regret the choice I have in mind. I untied my shoes, pulled my socks off and guided Jamie across the beach. I stuck my phone in the sand, after typing in the correct song, the exact same song she played on the jukebox the night we first met.
This song has been eating at my head after meeting Jaime. I found the right song after several days, originally a Taylor Swift song but with Ryan Adams’s vocals.
‘Clear blue water; high tide came and brought you in,’
The song caught Jamie by surprise and she flicked her sandals off.
 ‘Skies grew darker; currents swept you out again,’
I placed my hand around her waist and pulled her in, slowly flowing with the rhythm.
 ‘In silent screams and wildest dreams, I never dreamed of this.’
For a full five minutes, I danced with Jamie under the star filled sky. The illumination of the pier casts both of our shadows over the beach, mimicking the dance for our song. This is the type of thing she would plan for a romantic night, yet I’m the one doing it now.
As our feet pivoted across the sand, Jamie started to chuckle and place her head against my shoulder. That moment caught me off guard that I didn’t notice the rocks jutting out of the beach. The fall hurt, but Jamie and I both let out a couple of laughs.
 ‘My kiss, your cheek, I watched you leave,’
It was better to see Jamie this way, always happy. She was close to me and I can feel her shaking. Meeting Alan again still had its effect on her. I position myself to where our cheeks are touching and my mouth is close to her ear. “You don’t have to be scared around me. That self-righteous prick deserved it.”
 ‘Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees,’
Jaime felt slightly calmer, but she still shook. I knew what would make her happy and it needs to be said sooner than later. “I love you.”
   ‘When you’re young, you run. When you’re young, you run.’
I pushed myself to sit and Jamie was still sitting on my lap. I realized that she stopped shaking and looked at me. Hearing me say that made her cry again, but she pressed her lips into mine.
 ‘But you came back to what you need.’
I melted into the kiss and it went on for seconds, minutes even. “I love you, Griffin.”
 ‘This love left a permanent mark. This love is glowing in the dark.’
I felt my face grow red. “Don’t say something so embarrassing.’
‘These hands had to let it go free. This love came back to me.’
“It’s true though.” Her fingers graze the nape of my neck, and I felt a sudden pang in my heart.
‘This love came back to me.’
My arms wrap around her and we stayed on the beach, completely ignoring our hunger. I know that my faith isn’t my greatest quality, but Jamie could be someone to fill in that gap.